Tuesday, 9 December 2014

Crying is okay here


I debated whether or not to write this down. People say writing things down can be therapeutic, healing and freeing. Maybe it will be. As I write this I'm still undecided as to whether I will actually post it. I am starting to feel I am coming out the other side of it so why would I want to bring all those feelings back to the surface?


This week is the week our fourth baby was due.

Earlier this year I discovered I was pregnant. Not planned, a complete shock to say the least but a very welcome surprise. We had never closed the door to another child but it really wasn't on our minds at all.  Our three children were getting bigger, life was getting easier and we were quite happy on the path we were on.

But in a split second everything changed.

We started going down a new path, and I found myself feeling nervous but very happy at the thought of a new addition to the family. We started planning, talking names, debating when to tell the kids, making jokes about how full our hands would be, it was all suddenly very real and I couldn't remember the time before this new baby.

But in a split second everything changed again.

At 9 weeks I went for a scan. As I lay on the table staring at the screen in front of me I just knew. I saw the shape of a tiny baby, little arms and legs. But the heart had just stopped beating. The doctor tried his best to find the heartbeat but he and I knew that nothing would change the fact that my baby had died.

I didn't cry. I got dressed, made small talk with the doctor, his secretary and the nurse outside. I found my way to the train and headed home.

When I got home I started cooking. A big pot of lentils.

I look back now and know I was in shock, denial, disbelief, whatever you want to call it.  I had had a missed miscarriage. The baby had just died but my body, and my mind, hadn't quite realised yet.

A few days later I was in hospital to have an ERPC. I felt so empty afterwards. I still felt pregnant, but I wasn't.  And there was no baby coming home with me.  It's a strange feeling.

I have spent the last 6 months trying to grieve and heal. It is a process, something that so many of us go through and so few talk about.

There is no right or wrong way to feel.  If you already have children it doesn't make it any easier. If you miscarry at 5 weeks instead of 12 weeks it doesn't make it any easier. The pregnancy was real, the baby was real, your dreams and hopes were real and your pain is real. Grief is not something to be ignored or down-played. I tried to put it behind me as quickly as possible - be strong and remember the three wonderful children I am already blessed with. But I wasn't being fair to myself. I needed to feel the grief, the loss of the baby, the loss of the new life we were looking forward to. I had to stop feeling guilty.

It wasn't my fault. It just wasn't meant to be.

It's okay to cry. Scream, shout, be angry, confused and upset. It's okay to think "why me?!", to want to turn back time. It's okay to be sad and it's okay to grieve. Talk about it if you want to, don't if you don't. There is no shame in a misacrrcairage, no reason to keep it a secret unless you really want to.

There is this strange taboo surrounding miscarriage and there shouldn't be. A loss is a loss and you don't have to suffer in silence. So this is why I have chosen to write it down. I have already been amazed by how many other women I know that have been through the same thing and I never realised.

This week has been hard for me, not as hard as I thought it might be though. Every day it gets better and I feel like I am making peace with what has happened.  But I can't change the past. This will be with me forever and from time to time I know I will think about our baby. What might have been. How he or she might have looked and smiled.

As sad as it is, I don't want to forget.


SHARE:

22 comments:

  1. I am so sorry for your loss, and can imagine that this week must have been a hard one for you. Miscarriage is such a devastating event whenever it happens and you do need the time to grieve and accept. It is so sad that so many women suffer in silence because of the attitude within society to stay quiet about pregnancy until after 12 weeks when being 'allowed' to publicly acknowledge that loss would help so many of us. Sending virtual hugs your way x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Louise. I really appreciate your comment. It's so true, I feel that many women suffer in silence and they really don't have to. I have been amazed by the amount of support I have had once I opened up about it and that helps so much with the grieving process. x

      Delete
  2. I'm so sorry to hear this Xandi. I had a missed miscarriage too, between Austin and Gwen - detected when we went for the 12 week scan. Although it was made easier for me in some ways for me by the fact that, if the baby had survived, we wouldn't now have Gwen, it was still incredibly difficult. I still remember the baby's due date now, so I feel for you xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Nell, I am sorry to hear about your loss as well. I think that the due date will be with me forever but every day definitely gets easier x

      Delete
  3. I'm so sorry to read of your loss Xandi. As you say, miscarriage is somehow a taboo subject and it really shouldn't be. I think it's important to share and to remember dates as in some way that acknowledges the baby's existence. Big hugs to you x x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Suzanne. I agree, I think trying to forget is worse for a person, I feel better if I remember what has happened and try to come to terms with it. There is no way anyone could forget something like this, it's just about trying to make peace with it. xx

      Delete
  4. Really hope writing about your loss helped process it lovely. It's good to share these experiences and get them out in the open. There's no shame in crying and admitting that it hurts, if only more people adopted this attitude! Huge hugs xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Writing about it has been a HUGE help. I was really unsure about writing it down to be honest, but I'm so glad I did. Sharing experiences is so important , it makes us realise we are not alone in something like this. Thanks for your comment! xx

      Delete
  5. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. I think others will find comfort from your words and that is a very special gift to give at this tough time.

    Ruth, from the Miscarriage Association.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Ruth, Thank you for reading and for your comment. I really hope others will find comfort in what I have written. I know that just by sharing experiences with others who have been through this I felt so much better.

      Delete
  6. Thanks for sharing this with us all. So many women go through this. I miscarried triplet boys at 24+5 weeks back in 1984, such a tough time as all
    Iwanted to do was cry and talk,, but
    people stayed away as they did not know what to say. Life does go on after
    miscarriage, I now have 3 Beautiful
    grown up Children, who grew up
    knowing they had 3 brothers who were
    born too soon.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Carys, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your triplets, that must have been devastating for you. I think people find it difficult to know what to say, especially those who haven't been through it. It can be such a lonely time and it really shouldn't be. As you say, life does go on, it has to. Thanks for reading and for sharing your experience x

      Delete
  7. I am so sorry for your loss and you are very brave to write about it. The loss of a baby is still a loss no matter when it happens. I hope you have lots of love and support xx #BrillBlogPosts

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sorry I found you from #AllAboutYou not BBP xxx

      Delete
  8. Dear Xandi, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss and sending virtual hugs. I think you make a very valid point around the taboo that still exists with miscarriage. With my first one at 12 weeks I did feel very supported by family and friends but felt after a month or so people expected me to 'be over it'. Hence I suffered the next three miscarriages and an ectopic in silence. But it was all worth it to then have my beautiful daughter. However for women that suffer multiple losses people should try and be supportive through all of them xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks so much for reading and for your comment - I think it is terrible you suffered consecutive miscarriages in silence! It is such a painful thing to go through alone. I think we often feel angry that others just move on from what has happened and yet we are still devastated. It never leaves us sadly. Virtual hugs back to you! x

      Delete
  9. So sorry to hear about your loss Xandi but thank you for sharing such an important post which I'm sure will help many women. No one should suffer in silence, so if it helps to cry, scream, talk the ears off anyone who will listen then you do it. I hope you are getting the love and support you need. And thanks for linking this brilliant post up to #AllAboutYou x

    ReplyDelete
  10. I am so sorry for your loss, it is a dreadful thing to go through. I'd been trying for nearly 3 years. I had an op, took medication all to help me fall pregnant. I got pregnant in may of this year and was overjoyed I couldn't believe I was going to be a mum. I then went for a scan at 10 weeks and there was no heartbeat, despite seeing one at 6.5 weeks it was heartbreaking. I was so lucky I fell pregnant the month after my miscarriage. I went for a reassurance scan at 8 weeks and the baby was only showing at 5 weeks, I then went on to miscarry. It is utterly heartbreaking. I feel so so sad I just can't explain it. Besides the child you lose its all those hopes and dreams that go with it. Thank you for sharing, it is good to know you are not alone xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am so so sorry for everything you have been going through. It is terribly heartbreaking. You have all these wonderful dreams that just shatter the moment you discover your loss. It really is hard to pick up the pieces after such an upsetting discovery. Im wishing you lots of baby dust and hope that this year will be a good year for you. You are not alone, if you want to talk more you can email me whenever you like lattesandlittleones@gmail.com . xx

      Delete

© Lattes and Little Ones | All rights reserved.
Blogger Templates by pipdig